The CEO (Chapter Ten of The Business Model)
Vahap Yeter, Chief Executive Officer and Vice-Chancellor of Midas Celestial University (MCU), had recently been awarded a doctorate in business administration from MCU. His dissertation, which was a study of the business model university, was approved by his dissertation committee members, which included Professor Kamber Uslu, the Rector, the director of the graduate school at MCU, Bulut Bey, and other school officials.
As head of the Department of Economics, Yeter Bey coveted the title of Professor, and often billed himself under that title, although, in fact, he was only an assistant professor. However, except for the fancy-sounding title, Yeter Bey did not give a shit about academics and professors. He had managed to get himself into the position of holding the purse strings of the university. Millions and millions of dollars and Euros flowed through his hands continuously. He ran the show. There was no accountability. He was running a business and as CEO, he was surely skimming a large amount off the top for himself.
Jed learned what the CEO really thought about academics who spend all their time teaching, doing research and writing books and articles, from his former student. Vedat had told him about meeting the CEO when he had asked for a lighter teaching load so that he could work on some articles for publication. The CEO sized him up and decided that he was the right stuff to join the management team of MCU.
“Why are you wasting your time with those fools who are spending their lives as academics,” Yeter Bey had asked him. “Why don’t you join us and make some money, some real money. Professors are just simpletons who do not know how to make it in the real world. They cannot be successful in the real world and so they teach. You know the saying, those who can, do, and those who can’t teach. You will stay poor all your life as an academic. Come on! Come and join us in implementing the new business model and you will be living in one of the biggest mansions in Chaos in a few years. Don’t piddle away your life screwing around with these brainless students. They are just here to be milked and keep the place running. But we would never let them find that out. You have to play the game. Who cares whether they learn anything? Truth is, they will be better off out in the business world if they don’t learn anything. Give it a serious thought. You are a young Chaosarian. You could help us out, while doing a lot of good for yourself. It is a whole new world now. The business model is taking over the universities all over the world. It is a trend that cannot be resisted. State universities are all going to be either closed down in future or privatized. We are going to just get bigger and bigger. The business model will take over everything before long. You should join before it’s too late. Get in on the ground floor. You can even be a part-owner. We will open another ten universities shortly. Just like McDonald’s. We are learning all this from America. It is what is really American about the university but we don’t tell anybody that.”
Vedat had turned him down because he was actually interested in being an academic. It was not that he did not like money but he wanted to use his mind to understand something about the world and write books and articles. Vahap Bey’s lecturing was just a cover. He never even bothered to prepare for his lectures. He figured that someone making as much money as him could lecture off the top of his head and still lecture circles around those stupid fools who lived on a professor’s salary and did research. Didn’t his high salary, which was undisclosed, prove just how smart he was?
Vahap Bey’s rise to the top to run Midas Celestial University was not unrelated to his career in politics. Now he had plenty of connections to feel plenty secure. A few years earlier, he had managed to become a minister in the parliament of the state of Chaos. It was well known, and widely believed, that he had embezzled at least three million US dollars while holding that position. For two years, he had been the Minister of Environment and Natural Resources for Chaos. It was surely proof of his prowess as a competent manager to be able to pull it off and get by with it. He would clearly be a valuable asset to any institution on the business model.
At some point hubris or a sort of megalomania had seemed to get the better of Vahap Bey. He posted his accomplishments on the internet on a page in which he claimed to be the “most influential name” in Chaos. And then a long paragraph appeared in garbled English containing a series of phrases, fragments of sentences, apparently lifted from some applicant’s resumes. This unintelligible hogwash included such phrases as “solution oriented in any position both academic and political”; “which can detect the target”; “can cope with the challenges of information and research-based strategic planning”; “leadership in carrying out the activities based”; “national and international meetings”; “the institution represented in terms of management and coordination of internal and external relations” and more such turgid and trite phrases. It was fit to bring about an instantaneous paralysis of the brain to anyone attempting to read and comprehend this drivel. And wasn’t that the point? Once the brain was paralyzed, the reader would be sold on his abilities. Words were used to fill up lines, not to be meaningful.
But it was not enough for Assistant Professor Yeter. He went on to list the positions he had supposedly held. These included the “founder and coordinator of campuses in the UK, Singapore, the USA and Aslanistan”; “The Director of Sales at Pampas Co. Ltd.”; and “the treasury officer of the National Bank of Chaos”.
He was, of course, a member of the Young Businessman’s Association, the Chamber of Commerce of Chaos, the European Foundation for Management Development, and a member of the board of directors of the Chaos Sports Club. This was followed by a list of his accomplishments in the field of environmental engineering. Notable was his exhaust emission project.
It was not clear how someone who could cobble up such phony nonsense could write a doctoral dissertation. But his work had been duly certified by the Higher Education Council in Chaos, FAKCRAP, which oversaw higher education in the country.
Yeter was a man on the make with a great future ahead of him. It had just been announced that the master plan for MCU included doubling the size of the student population in the next five years, in addition to establishing three new campuses in Chaos. When it came to business production, McDonald’s Corporation had nothing on MCU with Vahap Bey at the helmm.